Dear Lizzy Letters Series:
Letter #1
Elizabeth,
Sometimes we start something, thinking we can do it and then figure out it is more than we can follow through on. And so maybe you thought about being my friend but then figured out you couldn’t…… and any way you didn’t promise. … I think I was just hoping for something when you were sitting there and we started talking. I thought maybe you liked me and wanted to be my friend. I thought that your hand on my knee and your warm embrace meant that you were connected to me. I thought that when I told you about my life and how bad some things were and you said nothing like that had ever happened to you… well I guess I was just hoping to be your friend because I never had a friend like you that had a life that was perfect or at least that seemed really good.
It’s been a little weird for me these past few years. Once in a while there have been some nice people along the way who have offered to help fix one thing or another, brought me a meal or even given me gas money to look for a job, but no one who seemed to really want to talk to me. Sometimes people have been out and out mean, looking at me as if I was ugly or stupid. Sometimes people point their finger at me and tell me my kids are bad. And sometimes they don’t say it but I know they think it’s my fault when they start trying to “help me” be a better parent.
You were so nice to me and I ended up telling you more than I had planned to – in fact more than I planned to tell anyone. I told you that I was sad and confused. I almost told you the worst part – how I’m angry a lot – but then I really wanted you to like me and I don’t even like me when I’m mad.
I know it is really too quick to be friends but you seemed to have so many and I have so few that I thought you might want another friend and maybe you would even let me be your friend. I really, really wanted to learn how to be a good friend to a nice person. You just seemed so safe and when I gave you my phone number I thought that you really were going to call.
The truth is that I worried you might call and it might be weird. It’s not like I could have you to my house or I could say let's go have coffee – I never met anybody for coffee. The truth is that the only time I ever met anybody for anything was when…
Anyway, for the whole first week after we met, I worried you would call. The whole second week I worried you wouldn’t call. And then I felt stupid because I told you things that I wasn’t going to tell anyone. At one point I got really angry at you… and then really angry at me and then I got angry all over again about my life and then I felt stupid again. It would be nice to have a friend but I know that I can’t have a friend like you because I don’t fit in and the people I do fit in with I don’t want to be friends with anymore because… I don’t know… anyway, I’m sorry I got angry at you for not calling… and thanks for being nice even if it was only for a few hours. Lizzy
Letter #2
Dear Lizzy,
I must admit I don’t exactly know how to respond to your letter. It was very honest and raw, and I’m not used to that. I feel a bit thrown off , in my many years volunteering at GIHN I haven’t had a guest express to me what our meeting meant to them. But I do really appreciate your writing to me, and your honesty, and I will try and be honest in return.
It sounds that from your letter, our meeting and time together really meant something to you. Despite the fact that I never called you, it did for me too. I cannot imagine all that you have had to deal with in your life. I was filled with compassion for you and your situation. I thought about you on many occasions during the week, wondering what would or could be next for you and your kids. Our conversation has challenged me very much to think about what is important in my own life, and I thank you for that.
I do apologize for implying that I would call you, but then didn’t. When I thought of you, calling didn’t seem to make sense. I have a busy schedule and don’t feel like I have the time or energy for another friend. You implied that I live a perfect life. Well, I really do not, and taking on this friendship while juggling my own struggles, would be too hard. Additionally, I cannot solve your problems or your homelessness. During our conversation, you really did open up to me, and while I am a good listener, it did make me feel uncomfortable. I wondered what you expected from me, what you thought I could do about the information you told me and felt like you were maybe even intentionally making me feel guilty. I gave you a hug and spoke kindly to you because it was the way in which I felt I could show support and nurturance, however, I never made promises to you past that.
Do you understand where I’m coming from? Have I mislead you? Did my kindness and listening ear make it harder on you? If so, that was never my intention. Lizzy, I do not know how a mutual friendship could work for us, it would not be easy to bridge the differences in our lives, but at the same time I’ve been moved by your honesty and appeal for friendship. I’d be interested in hearing what you envision a friendship between us would look like and how, despite our differences, it could work. Sincerely,
Elizabeth
Letter #3
Dear Elizabeth,
I have received your letter and have been delaying writing a response in part because I realize that I was being at least somewhat manipulative with my last letter. I really did intend to put closure on a relationship that had taken on a life of it’s own in my head but now I realize that I was also being manipulative. I have practically a Phd. in manipulation skills but I’m a toddler when it comes to real relationships according to my doctor.
Most of my life I have lived by good intuition, sharp wits and manipulation – this also according to my doctor. It has taken a long time to really understand what she means by all of this but I’m getting it piece by piece. The other thing that I have learned is that I have always told people a lot about myself so that I don’t have to tell them really anything about myself. I know that sounds weird but it’s true.
Elizabeth, I don’t want anything from you because if I take anything that would ruin the one thing I need from you – a real friendship. Julia, my doctor, and I have talked a lot about you before I wrote this letter and she thinks you could be someone I could trust but told me to be careful. She told me that sometimes people who want to help others are not really able to be real friends because there protection thing is to always be one up by helping. When I got your letter it felt really good to hear that you also have problems and didn’t know if you’d have time for me – actually at first it felt really bad and made me angry – but later I understood that you might be able to be a real friend.
I hope this is not to confusing to you because everything seems like one thing but then it is something else. I am putting a poem in here that Julie gave to me and I hope you like it as much as I did.
Sincerely,
Lizzy